


The Night You Remembered

by mynamesisbucky



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Blood, Bucky and Natasha are close, Bucky calls Natasha Natalia, Bucky eventually remembers Steve, Bucky has a dream/memory about pre-war steve, Bucky/Steve SHIELD mission, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Smut, M/M, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-13
Updated: 2015-09-15
Packaged: 2018-04-20 15:26:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4792649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mynamesisbucky/pseuds/mynamesisbucky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three weeks later it happened. The first memory that Bucky got back from before the war and it happened in a dream. It was of the Captain oddly enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It feels like an eternity has passed since he'd been on a mission. Of course to him it would be an eternity after living all of his known life in a cryotank, going from mission to mission in a blink of an eye. He hated it this way, waiting, and killing, and remembering every strenuous detail.

 

He loved killing for Hydra, mainly because there were no rules to abide by, no one else by his side to get in his way, just him and his target. The only downside to Hydra was well, the heavy magnet holder (which he found out the hard way when Stark kept throwing fridge magnets at him till they stuck) on his left side.

 

The only person he can work with is Captain America, or as he heard people call him Steve, because he does his work in silence, the way Bucky likes it. In fact he doesn’t even realize he’s there, the Captain is so quiet until he whispers to Bucky.

 

“I’ll sneak around the edge of the building, while you get to the roof. They know we’re coming but they don’t know how many of us there are. If we split up then I can take the few out in front of the window. I think there’s a sniper on the far right corner of the roof. When I get to the window wait for my signal, do not move without my signal Buck, got it?”

 

He still doesn’t know why the Captain calls him “Buck”, he hates the name. He would much rather be called the Winter Soldier but the only one who understands this is Natalia and the bird man, but he nods in agreement anyway.

 

The Captain nods slightly and turns to run behind a pile of crates and on to the targets. Bucky doesn’t see what comes after because he is already running to the building and jumping from window to window to get on top of the roof.

 

He pokes his head up to scout the area before jumping into action. The Captain was right there is a sniper in the far right corner but he’s guarded by two men whom Bucky could easily take down, if it weren't for the fact that there was nowhere to duck and strike from. The roof is an open surface and he could easily be discovered.

 

The Soldier jumps to an open ledge below the closest window and plans an attack. The use of his guns would signal their whereabouts, and it’s too far to throw a knife even with his skills. The only way is to charge and snap their necks before they notice.

 

He looks up over the roof again; the sniper is only paying attention to his scope which makes things a bit easier. Bucky lifts himself on to the platform without a sound and starts to crouch closer with his knife in hand. The first guard is easy to take down, Bucky takes his metal arm and covers the guard’s mouth so hard he crushes his jaw and in one quick flick of his wrist the guard is dead on the ground. He ducks and rolls over to the last guard and stabs him in the back and with a flick of his wrist the second guard mirrors the first. The sniper isn’t hard to get rid of either; Bucky pulls the man’s head back by his hair and slits his throat.

 

Bucky pushes the ex-sniper to the side and lies in his spot. Looking through the scope he can see through the window the Captain is supposed to signal him from. There are two men as far as he can see but they’re not doing anything interesting, just talking really. He hates it when his targets aren't exciting. He likes it when they try to run or when they beg on their knees for their lives, and when he can see the light slowly fade from their panicked eyes, that’s his favorite part. But he has a feeling that he’s not going to be seeing any of that today

 

From the corner of the scope Bucky spots the Captain. He’s not doing anything yet, just watching, and it’s making Bucky squirm with anticipation. All he wants to do is kill not take orders from a scruffy blonde who just sits and watches. He almost finishes the mission off himself before the Captain signals to move.

 

Bucky picks up the sniper and attaches it to his back as he stands up and looks over the edge of the roof. There’s a pile of garbage that he could use to soften his landing, so he takes the idea and jumps from the roof to the ground below. Another great thing about Hydra was that they pumped him full of blue stuff and now he takes little to no damage from doing things like jumping off of seven story buildings.

 

He emerges from the garbage pile and crouches over to where the Captain is, just under the window. When he arrives the Captain looks at him and signals that there are five men in the room behind them. Bucky nods and the Captain signals on to say they would break through the window and take out the men before heading towards the target. Bucky knows that the target is in a secret room further into the building, which means that he gets to assassinate body guards on the way. Maybe he will get to watch the life drain from his enemies’ eyes after all.

 

Bucky and the Captain nod to each other and back away from the wall to get speed to bust through the window. Bucky’s adrenaline is pumping through his veins like it always does when a mission calls for hand to hand combat. The Captain taps his thigh to signal the go ahead and Bucky pulls out his knife.

 

They run towards the window and smash into the glass wall, roll to their feet, and stand back to back. The five men are circling around them and Bucky is the first one to leap. He can feel the blade slice through the man’s throat as if the blade was a part of his own body.

 

Blood splattered the side of Bucky’s face as he circled around to the next man, taking his throat in his metal arm and flipping him down to the floor. He takes his heel and slams it down to meet the man’s jaw, and snapped it in half, and left him there to suffer. He jumps up and faces the Captain who also had blood splattered along his face and all over his uniform.

 

Bucky smiles to himself but not enough for the Captain to notice. He finds the Captain covered in blood slightly attractive, but shakes it off because Bucky just has a thing for blood, he can’t help it. Both of them are breathing heavy so they try to slow their heart rates as much as they can before sneaking to the next room which is sure to have more enemies inside.

 

They have their backs pressed against a wall in a dark hallway, so quiet and still that they blend in with the shadows. A light flicks on with a hum in the room a few doors ahead and Bucky’s adrenaline is sky high. He hears the Captain breathe heavier and knows that he must be as pumped up as himself.

 

The Captain glances over at Bucky then back to the lit room and starts to move closer. Bucky moves to the other side of the hallway and does the same. From what he can tell there is only one man in the next room so he looks at the Captain and does nothing, but somehow the Captain knows exactly what he means because he nods.

 

Bucky smirks and straightens his back and casually walks into the room. Turns out there are two men, but that just means double the fun for Bucky.

 

“Hello gentlemen you wouldn’t happen to know where the bathrooms are would you.” He doesn’t know where the words came from but now that they’re out in the open he works around them.

 

The men jump and turn towards Bucky and point their guns at him but they don’t shoot. Bucky thinks this is a foolish move, and to be honest he’s disappointed that they didn’t. If they did try to shoot him it would do little damage thanks to Zola, and it would have got his adrenaline up higher. But Bucky takes them not shooting as a weakness and uses it against them.

 

He bursts forward taking the one man’s gun in his metal arm and twisting it out of his hand. He throws the gun across the room and takes the man’s throat in his flesh arm and uses him as a human shield, because he knows the other man will surely shoot at him.

 

And almost as if on cue the second man starts to shoot at Bucky but hits his comrade instead. The shock and terror on the man’s face after realizing that he had killed one of his own, brings a wicked smile across Bucky’s face. He drops the dead man and lunges for the next, he brings his flesh arm to the man’s throat and places his metal arm on the top of the man’s head and starts to squeeze.

 

The man is squirming beneath him and he can hear the screams coming from his victim as the blood starts to pour down the side of the man’s face until Bucky hears the crunch of the skull and the screams die out.

 

He lets the man drop from his grip and turns around to face the Captain. The shock on his face is almost as great as the man who killed his comrade, but for some reason it hits his gut a little too hard. He can only imaging the crazed frenzy that his eyes hold, and the wicked smile on his face. Normally this would be a perfect opportunity for him to strike and crush the Captain in his fingers but it doesn’t feel right. So he sits and watches carefully for a sign that he can carry out the mission.

 

The Captain stares at the Soldier shocked and unmoving for far too long and Bucky goes to say something. Before he can start, the Captain reanimates and walks right past the Soldier without a word. Bucky is glad the confrontation is over before it started.

 

There is a door that requires a fingerprint scan so the Captain walks over to one of the dead men and drags them to the door by their arm and places a single finger on the pad. The door clicks open and Bucky pushes through first, and he can hear the Captain drop the body and follow him in. Bucky stops in his tracks as he looks around the room.

 

Empty. It’s completely empty.

 

He starts to wonder if this is a trap and the Captain brought him here to kill him. It’s the only logical reason to why the room is empty. Bucky’s head starts to spin and his survival instincts kick in. He shoots a glance at the Captain, who is looking around a corner.

 

Bucky starts to run towards the Captain and slams him up against the wall with his forearm to the Captains neck. He pushes further in until he can hear the Captain choke on the air. He’s pounding on Bucky’s arm, but he’s not letting up. He can feel the crazed look in his eyes grow and he starts to growl.

 

He can see the Captain’s eyes start to flutter closed, and finally let him go. He doesn’t want his target to be eliminated so fast. Bucky wants to have some fun this time.

 

The Captain drops to his knees and takes his throat in his hand, gasping for air. Bucky turns around to face the wall with the door, and walks toward it. He contemplates leaving and trapping the Captain here to suffocate from lack of oxygen, but he stops. He hears the Captain cough and hyperventilate while trying to stand once again.

 

“Buck” The Captain chokes out

 

“I TOLD YOU, NEVER CALL ME THAT!” Bucky turns and shouts at the Captain, he doesn’t move from his spot though.

 

“Soldier.” The Captain corrects himself. “What the hell was that?” He chokes out. “We’re on the same team!”

 

“Are we?” Bucky says. “You brought me here to kill me, that’s not how teams work. Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn’t come over there and snap your fucking neck right now.”

 

The Captain’s face flashes to anger and then confusion. “Kill you. Why the hell would I want to kill you? Is it because the room is empty? Because this is the mission. There was supposed to be someone in here with crucial SHIELD information that no one should have, but they’re not here. I didn’t bring you along to kill you Buc- Soldier.”

 

Bucky takes a few steps back. “Do not lie to me.”

 

“I wouldn’t lie to you about something like this” The Captain says calmly.

 

Bucky contemplates leaning against the wall until he fully understands what just happened, but that would be weak of him. So he looks at the Captain and nods slightly, and walks out of the room. He thinks about shutting the door behind him with the Captain still inside but doesn’t bother. He’s wasted enough time with him.

 

When they get back to Stark Tower, Bucky goes straight to the gym, and doesn’t bother to check in with Fury. He knows he should put on wraps but he doesn’t care right now, so he starts to hit the bag hanging from the ceiling. He thinks about the mission, how the Captain looked at him making his gut flip, the men he got to crush under his grip, but most of all the empty room.

 

He should have killed the Captain. Why didn’t he just kill him? Why is he even here now?

 

Bucky stopped punching and looked at the ground. Why was he there? No one but the Captain trusted him enough to even take their eyes off of him, and now that the Captain’s lost his trust, why was he still in Stark’s tower?

 

He needed to leave, and get away from these “mighty heroes”. Bucky scoffed, there was nothing heroic about a batch of misfits fighting for the freedom they never had in the first place. So that was it, he had to leave.

 

Bucky turned around and began to walk out of the gym, but a few feet from him stood Natalia. She stood with her arms crossed staring Bucky down. Bucky snarled and started to head towards the door and past her.

 

“ _You can’t leave Soldier_.”

 

Bucky stopped in his tracks when he heard the small redhead speak in perfect Russian.

 

“ _Even if you left, Hydra would find you. And if that’s not a good enough reason, just know that Rogers will be tracking you down every second you’re not here._ ” Natalia said.

 

Bucky said nothing, he just stood in place and thought. He knows who she’s talking about when she says Rogers, and she’s right. The Captain would come looking for him, even if he didn’t trust him anymore, the Captain would never stop.

 

Bucky had no choice, he had to stay. He would never be rid of the Captain by running, he would just have to wade it out and maybe the Captain would lie off for a while. Bucky looked at the ground in silence, he didn’t know whether to stay or retreat to his room in the Tower.

 

“ _If you need any more convincing I’ll be in my room._ ” The woman walked past Bucky and turned to face him. “After all, we Russians have nothing but our winter” She said in English, and turned and left the gym room.

 

Bucky knew what she meant. Maybe there was more than one person whom he trusted. Even after he shot through her a few years back, but she was in the way, and the target must always be eliminated. Bucky started to think about the empty room again.

 

“The target must always be eliminated.” He whispered to himself, and walked out of the gym.

  
  


 

Three weeks later it happened. The first memory that Bucky got back from before the war and it happened in a dream. It was of the Captain oddly enough.


	2. Chapter 2

Three weeks later it happened. The first memory that Bucky got back from before the war and it happened in a dream. It was of the Captain oddly enough.

 

Bucky was in a place that he didn’t remember, but it felt right to be there. There was not much filling the rooms like there was at Stark tower. A couch and a table with books scattered on the surface. A fridge and a small stove sat along a wall. A table and two chairs sit in the middle of the small space in the room beside the one with the couch.

 

The room was so clear and vivid that it felt like Bucky was there himself. In the dream Bucky moved to touch the couch but he doesn’t know why. When he got to the couch he says a person lying on their side, with a blue blanket over them. He couldn’t see the face but he knew they were sleeping by the way his shoulders moved, up and down.

 

Bucky could feel a smile come across his face but it wasn’t like the smiles he gave his targets before he killed them, no this smile was warm and full of a feeling Bucky didn’t quite understand. This is when he realized that he had no control over this dream he was merely watching from this dream man’s perspective. The dream man looked away from the couch and headed to a room slightly off to the right. He walked over to a small bed by the corner that looked like it wouldn’t even fit one person.

 

The dream man looked to the left and turned to face a wall with a small mirror on it. Bucky was shocked when he saw the mirror. The dream man...looked like him. Well the features on his face did. He had Bucky’s nose and his sharp jawline, but the eyes and the lips were different.

 

The man’s eyes looked young and happy, unlike Bucky’s cold hard eyes he’s seen once or twice in window reflections, the man also didn’t have dark circles under his eyes like Bucky did. And his lips aren’t broken open or dry, they were full and perfect looking.

 

The man’s hair was different too, shorter and more styled than Bucky’s. But the thing that caught hive off guard was his arm. It wasn’t lower from pressure or shiny and cold looking, he had two human arms.

 

This man could not be Bucky. He wore Bucky’s face but not his soul. He wanted to wake up now but he was in too deep, almost like when he was in the cryotube. For the first time in years Bucky felt scared. Bucky heard movement in the room with the couch, and the man turned to look. The person on the couch sat up and looked around. He had blonde hair that was sticking up in different places.

 

Bucky felt that warm smile again and got even more terrified. He felt the dream Bucky move toward the couch again, to the blonde. The blonde stood up and turned around to face Bucky, but what he saw shocked him more than seeing the man with his own face did. It was the Captain. A much smaller, weaker version on him but nonetheless, he had every single detail the Captain had. Even everything about his face had not changed.

 

When the blonde looked up at Bucky he smiled and said “Why didn’t you wake me up? You always wake me up when you get back from work.”

 

Bucky felt the dream man smile. “You just looked too damn cute lying there, so I thought I would just let you go; besides you looked like hell earlier.” He said with a playful tone.

 

The blonde smiled back and walked closer to Bucky and the dream man. He is so much shorter than the Captain but they share a face that’s hard to forget. The blonde opened his arms and wrapped them around Bucky’s neck, and Bucky could feel his arms wrap around the Blonde’s waist.

 

“I hate you Buck.” The Blonde said with a smirk. The way he said his name made him sick with fear, and anxiety, and yet it all felt so right.

 

“Oh really now? If you hated me would have come over to me just’ now? Or would we be friends for as long as we have if you hated me? Because I remember a scrawny six year old who said “Buck, I love you more than anything in the world.” The dream man said in a sarcastic voice.

 

“Shut up I never said that! Or at least said it like that.” The blonde blushed and looked down at his feet.

 

The dream man lifted his hand and placed it under the blonde’s chin, tilting his face towards Bucky’s. “I love you too, kid” Bucky heard the dream man say. Then the blonde lifted himself on his toes and gently pressed his lips to the dream man’s.

 

  
  


Bucky woke up shouting, and jumped out of the bed with a knife in his hands, slashing at the dream that he was no longer in. He was sweating head to toe and hyperventilating so hard he could pass out. Never in his life had he felt as scared as he did dreaming.

 

But it wasn’t a dream, it couldn’t be. Bucky was there with the dream man and the blonde, watching everything, feeling everything.

 

Bucky felt sick. He kneeled on the floor still trying to calm down but it got harder to breathe. He had to do something, anything, to cope with his dream. He stood up and started pacing his cold room, screaming at himself inside his head.

 

When he realized that he had the knife still in his hand he knew what he was going to do, what he had to do. The dream gave him a feeling that he didn’t understand, and it was then that he noticed the discomfort in his pants. He stopped walking and looked down. He was hard.

 

Bucky groaned in annoyance, this was the most inconvenient time to have a boner. Having a boner after he killed was a normal thing for him; it happened every time he saw blood dripping down his targets face or neck. But now, after having the most terrifying experience of his life?

 

He kept looking down at the bulge in his pants but did nothing about it. If he can let it go during a mission, he can let it go now. Since technically this is a mission of his own. He started walking again and headed to the bathroom mirror.

 

He took his knife and grabbed a fistful of hair and started sawing it off. He grabbed another fistful, and then another, cutting off his long hair and letting it fall to the floor. After he thought he cut off the last bunch he lowered the knife to his cheek and started shaving off the stubble. This he knew how to do, because on longer missions, he would grow out his facial hair and then when he thought it got too bad, he found a frozen puddle or a shard of glass and shaved that way. He had to admit it was much easier to do with a large mirror, than a shard of glass.

 

After he was done he looked at himself in the mirror, to see just how bad he had made things. His hair was shorter yes, but choppy and not at all like he’d seen in the dream, but he did a pretty adequate job with his facial hair. He stood looking at his reflection in the dark room that was only lit up by the street lamps outside.

 

He saw his eyes, how dark and sad they looked, how inhuman they were. And his lips were drawn down into a frown that he wasn’t even trying to muster. He saw an old version of the dream man, a more disgusting version. Bucky growled and punched the mirror with his metal arm and shouted.

 

He left the bathroom and bounded out of his apartment in Stark tower. He didn’t know where he was going; all he knew was that he was running from his problems.

 

He got to the elevator and it opened without him saying or doing anything, thanks to the voice in the walls everyone calls JARVIS.

 

“Where to sir?” The AI spoke. Bucky jumped a bit even though he knew it was coming.

 

“Anywhere, just-I don’t care just take me somewhere far from here.” Bucky grumbled

 

“Next stop, anywhere” Jarvis chimed as the elevator came to life. Bucky started pacing in the elevator; he needed to do something to get his mind off of the dream.

 

The elevator bonged and the doors came apart, almost not quick enough before Bucky bounced to life and speed walked out of the elevator. Of course to him it would only be normal speed, since everything was so fast paced in Hydra.

 

He didn’t recognize the floor he was on; it all looked like a blur to him. His head started to spin again but he pushed through it, and started running. Doors and walls and hallways were all he could see for miles. He felt sick again and started to hyperventilate both from running so fast and becoming sick, but he kept running.

 

He ran and he ran, turning corners every so often, but he only ever slowed down to stop the room spinning. But it didn’t stop. The room spun around, and around, and around, faster and faster. Bucky felt like he was flying and had to grab the wall for support, but he fell and landed on his knees. Breathing heavy, he felt shaky like his brain was going about a hundred miles an hour, his vision starting to go black.

 

Bucky doesn’t know which way is up anymore. The only thing he sees is black and red. He can’t breathe. He can’t speak. He thinks this is it; this is how he will die after everything that’s happened to him, all over a dream.

 

The black he sees gets redder and he thinks he’s already gone, until he hears something. He doesn’t know what but it sounds like a ring. A sweet ringing wrapping him up like a velvet blanket, warm and familiar, and safe,

 

This is the first time The Winter Soldier has felt safe, and he drifted into the crimson light asleep.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Bucky’s eyes fluttered open, and it was still dark. At first he thought he was truly dead, truly at peace with himself. But the feeling faded fast when he heard a bump off to the far right. Normally he would shoot up and kill whatever it was, but after what he just went through, he thought it would be better if they killed him instead.

 

But the noise was a one time thing and decided to leave Bucky alive for another day. So he just played in the darkness and silence, not daring to back to sleep in fear of having another dream. The bed he was laying on was much comfier than his own bed and for once he seemed to like the softness below his head. His human fingers stroked the blanket on his chest, warm and fuzzy, nothing like he had ever owned.

 

This is not his blanket. Bucky pieced it all together and jumped out of the bed and backing into a wall. He looked around the room and it was not his room. The walls are a deep red and the blanket he had is black. Bucky was confused and fear started to boil in his chest again. He started to walk out of the room when something red caught his eye.

 

Natalia strode into the room looking at the hot cup of something she had in her hand. When she did look up, she jumped back a little.

 

“I didn’t realize you would be up so quickly.” The tiny redhead said.

 

Bucked looked her up and down, but said nothing. Natalia slowly walked closer to him, holding out the cup for him to take it.  

 

“It’s chamomile, it helps me calm down after a long mission. I thought you could use some when you woke up. Just didn’t think that would be so soon.” She said.

 

Bucky looked at the steaming cup for a while before taking it with both of his hands, but nothing else.

 

They stood in silence for a while. Bucky’s curiosity grew and grew until he couldn’t take it anymore. “How did I get here?” He never looked up from his cup.

 

“JARVIS woke me up and told me you might be around. When you weren’t, I went out and looked for you. Found you having an anxiety attack down the hall, and I carried you back here.

 

Bucky looked up at her confused. “What’s an anxiety attack?” He asked sincerely.

 

She half smiled and walked closer to him. “It’s what happens when you worry too much about too many things. You start to think too much and before you realize it, you can’t control your thoughts, it’s hard to breathe, and of course you know the symptoms by now.”

 

Bucky nodded his head but didn’t say anything.

 

“So what was it?” Natalia spoke after it got quiet for too long.

 

Bucky looked up at her confused again. “What made you cut your hair and stumble onto my floor?” She said.

 

Bucky thought that telling the tiny redhead would look like a sign of weakness, but she’s already seen him at his most vulnerable and he’s still alive so he dubbed her trustworthy. “I had a dream.” He barely whispered.

 

She didn’t look surprised like he thought they would be. So he looked to his side and sat the tea down on a nightstand and walked over to sit in her bed. Natalia smiled and did the same. She took the black fuzzy blanket and wrapped it around buck’s shoulders. He looked over at the nightstand but she was already there with the tea in hand giving it to him.

 

Bucky didn’t know what to say, he’s never been shown kindness like this before. The Captain was always kind to him but still distant which Bucky liked, until now that Natalia hasn’t been afraid to care for him or talk to him and Bucky likes it. Maybe soon he could start calling her a friend.

 

Bucky takes a sip of his tea, which is surprisingly good for tea. He doesn’t know where to begin. Natalia is looking at him patiently not pushing him to start, and it feels nice. But he has so start somewhere so he tells her the full story, and the realness of it all. He thinks about leaving the part about the kiss out, but he’s too busy remembering to stop himself.

 

“So why did you cut your hair?” It was the first thing she asked after Bucky got done talking.

 

“Out of everything I tell you, that’s what you want to know more about?” Bucky asks kind of annoyed.

 

“I just find it interesting that after all that panic over a kiss in a dream, you would want to look more like you did in your dream than you do now. Why?” Natalia looked at Bucky with curiosity.

 

To be honest Bucky didn’t know why the first thing he thought of was cutting his hair. When he was actually doing it, he just needed to do something and the knife was there so why not, But now? There had to be a reason better than needing to do something. And then he remembered his discomfort.

 

“When I woke up I was hard.” He said looking at Natalia with no sign of embarrassment.

 

She smiled. “I think I know why you cut your hair.” Bucky looked at her waiting for an answer. “Maybe, now hear me out on this, maybe it wasn’t a dream. Maybe it was a memory. And you remembered how Steve looked at you back then, and why he doesn’t look at you like that now. Maybe, somewhere in your brain, you miss him.”

 

Bucky didn’t look away from Natalia’s face but he looked right through it. Maybe he missed the Captain? How could he? He’s only really known him for a few months. But maybe she’s right, what if it was a memory.

 

“There’s only one way to find out then.” Bucky said still looking straight through Natalia. He blinked a few times and brought himself back to life. “Will you fix my hair?” He asked her.

 

Her smile went from ear to ear. “I have clippers in the bathroom. They’re Clint’s but he’s on a mission so he doesn’t need them. Are you sure about this?” She asks him with a serious face.

 

“Yes.” Bucky blurted out without even thinking, which made Natalia’s smile even bigger. “Well then if you don’t mind stepping into the salon and we’ll get right to it.” She gestured to a closed door which is most likely the bathroom.

 

“The sun will be up in about an hour, so that means everyone else will be up in about four so we have time.” She smiled and got up to open the door.

 

Bucky felt like worms were swimming in his stomach, and he had to breathe for a while before he got up. He didn’t want to pass out again. When the feeling subsided he stood up and made his way to the brightly lit bathroom.

 

It was a lot bigger than his, of course only he was using it, and Natalia shared hers with the bird man. She had a huge bath tub, and three sinks. Bucky was very confused by the sinks. He went to turn it on but there were no handles to turn the water on and off. He walked over to it and inspected it, eventually he poked his finger under the faucet and it came to life, which made Bucky jump back. Technology will never cease to confuse him.

 

Natalia is at the far end of the bathroom, waiting for Bucky to catch up, with the smile still on her face.

 

“Are you ready?” She asks excitedly.

 

Bucky nods and she spins around and grabs two handles, that he didn’t realize were there, and pushes two hidden doors open to reveal a fairly sized room with full length mirrors on two whole walls. She strides into the room and turns the corner, but Bucky doesn’t notice what she does after that, he’s too busy looking at himself in the mirror.

 

He didn’t realize until now that he was wearing nothing but his black underwear. He hadn’t really looked down at himself since the dream, and Natalia never said a word so he never questioned it.

 

It’s not the first time he’s seen himself in a mirror before, but it’s the first time he sees himself in the light after the dream. He remembers his dream self, how young and happy he looked how his skin almost glowed in the daylight. Bucky’s skin is almost a dark grey and he can see wrinkles forming where his dream self-had nothing but smooth clean shaven skin.

 

No wonder the Captain doesn’t look at him the same. It’s because he isn’t the same. Not just facial features either. Bucky looks bigger now, taller and stronger, almost like the Captain is but different, like the Captain is the good side and Bucky is the evil side.

 

“Natalia.” Bucky says without really thinking. “Will you fix my face?”

 

He sees Natalia in the mirror turned to look at him, smiling, she knows what he means.

 

“I will right after you take a shower.” She walks over to Bucky with a towel and lays it over his shoulder. He nods and walks out of the mirrored room.

 

The big shower is next to the bathtub, and looks as complicated as the sink, but he figures it out. He turns the hot water all the way up not bothering with testing the temperature. It’s just something he always thought was useless, besides he likes the way his metal arm heats up and burns the parts of his shoulder where the flesh and metal touch.

 

He doesn’t do much but stand in the heat and think. He thinks about the dream being not as much of a dream as he once thought how could it? The man had his face and the blonde had the Captains. It was all too real.

 

Then he starts to think about what the sunrise will bring. He knows that the Captain and the other bird man run around the city every day.

 

“There are too many damn birds here” Bucky says to himself.

 

He wonders what people will think of him without his long hair, or his shaven face. He usually always has some form of stubble, but he’s never gone without it. He wonders most of all what he will look like without his dark circles and cuts all over his face. He’s scared of seeing himself like the way he was in the dream, but he’s more scared that he won’t look like that at all, or ever for all he knows.

 

Bucky’s afraid of over thinking again so he stops thinking and looks for the shampoo. He sees so many colorful bottles with so many different labels, but ends up using one called Philip B Russian Amber mostly because it says Russian and it makes him feel kind of good. But he does find it funny that Natalia Romanova the Russian has Russian shampoo.

 

After he’s done washing the hair that won’t be there in an hour or so, and fumbling with the water pressure so that it turns off, he gets out and wraps the towel around his waist. He can see the steam coming from his metal arm and it’s just the way he likes it. He walks into the mirror room, and finds Natalia in front of a closet with many things in it, like towels, and hair products, and there are two whole shelves all for make up things. Bucky wonders what she’s going to do with his face, when she turns around with what he’s going to guess “clippers” are.

 

“Your hair is still wet.” She says disappointed.

 

“But I just got out of the shower, water usually makes things wet.” Bucky replied confused.

 

Natalia smiled. “No, I know that, but I thought you would have towel dried it or something, you’re getting my floor wet.”

 

“Well if you want I can dry it now.” Bucky reaches for the towel around his waist before Natalia grabs his wrist.

 

“No, no that’s fine, keep your towel on I’ll just get another one.” She lets go of his hand and walks back to the closet for a towel.

 

She touched him without warning, and Bucky didn’t even flinch. He didn’t try to attack her or anything. Maybe he can trust her if his basic instinct isn’t to attack, maybe he can call her a friend now.

 

She comes back with a smaller towel and a chair on wheels. He wonders where she got the chair from, when she takes hold of his metal and starts to pull him to the middle of the room, but before he can say anything she retracts her hand with a yelp.

 

Bucky swings his metal arm to the side and jumps to Natalia, who is now shaking the sting away from her hand.

 

“Did I hurt you? I didn’t mean to. Did it recalibrate? Are you okay?” Bucky asks frantically.

 

“I’m fine; did you take a shower in boiling water or something?” Natalia said jokingly, she also isn’t worried about her hand anymore, and her face looks more confused than anything.

 

Bucky feels so stupid. “I shouldn’t have let you touch me; I should have known I would hurt you eventually. God, are you sure you’re fine?”

 

Natalia raises her eyebrow and parts her lips like she’s about to say something but nothing comes out. Bucky is starting to worry if he’s lost her trust now too. Just when he thought he could call her a friend. He should have known better, he should know he can’t have friends.

 

He starts to back out of the room when Natalia shakes her head. “No, yea I’m fine Barnes. Remember I’m Russian, we don’t get hurt easily. I’m just surprised you care so much.” She smiled.

 

“I trust you, and I need your trust. I can’t have that if I hurt you, so of course I care.” He tried to hide the fact that he’s relieved she doesn’t hate him.

 

“Whatever floats your boat Barnes? So are we going to have a makeover or what?” She pulls the chair out for Bucky to sit down, and he does.

 

He wonders what she will do to him, and he hopes she knows what she’s doing. He watches Natalia runs off to the closet from the mirror and comes back with a purple can and a pair of scissors. Bucky thinks they might be the clippers, since they look more like clippers. All Bucky can do is watch Natalia as she places both items on the floor and picks up the bulky rectangle that could also be the “clippers” and flicks it on.

 

The rectangle comes to life with a loud buzz and it makes Bucky jump a bit. Once again technology will never cease to confuse him. Natalia smiles at him through the mirror and winks as she puts the rectangle to the side of his head. Bucky’s trying to keep his breathing steady, but even with someone he trusts like Natalia, the buzzing that close to his head makes him nervous.

 

He can hear the hairs on his head being cut off as she goes across the side of his head over and over again. After she inspects the right side, she moves on to do the same with the left side. He already looks different. His shoulder length hair is now barely there, but the top of his head is still pretty long. He suspects she will do that part last.

 

Almost on cue, Natalia turns the rectangle off and picks up the scissors. She looks at his head and runs her fingers through it, and he won’t deny that it does feel good. She starts to clip pieces of hair off the top and every now and then she’ll run her fingers through and mess it up, comb it back, cut more hair, and mess it up again. Bucky doesn’t understand what she’s doing but it seems to be working, because after a while Natalia looks up at him in the mirror and smiles.

 

She puts down the scissors and picks up the purple bottle. She runs her fingers through his hair one last time before squirting the foamy white looking stuff out on to her palms, and lightly rubbing her hands together.

 

Bucky doesn’t know what the stuff is or how it’s going to work with his hair, but he just let’s Natalia do what she wants. When she wipes her hands off, she places them on his shoulder signaling she’s done for now.

 

Bucky stands up and brushes the bits of hair on his chest off and walks closer to the mirror. He reaches his flesh hand to his new hair. He doesn’t want to mess it up so he touches the sides, and it feels so much different than what he’s used to feeling. It almost looks the same too. His hair is longer on top and slicked back, and his sides are shorter. He’s halfway there.

 

“We have three more hours before breakfast, so do you still want me to fix your face?” Natalia says the last part sarcastically.

 

Bucky is too busy messing with his new hair, so he only nods in agreement. He starts to walk backwards and plops in the chair when it hits his ankles. He never takes his eyes off his head until Natalia spins his chair to face the wall with no mirrors.

 

He glares at her for moving him, while he was playing with his hair.

 

“The lighting is better this way; also I need you not to touch your face while I do this okay? And I just don’t want you to see until it’s finished.” She smiled at him and he couldn’t help but to smile too, but not enough for her to see it.

 

So she goes to work, running back and forth from the closet about five times for bottles, and circles, and brushes, and squares but everything inside is a mystery to Bucky, but once again he just lets Natalia do her thing. He can feel the liquid stuff she puts over the places he knows there are cuts or scars, and then rubs more stuff on his face. He doesn’t like things being on his face, it feels too stiff and fake for him, and he almost wipes it off a few times before remembering why he’s doing this in the first place.

 

It feels like an entire century passes by before she smiles at him and says “done” in an excited tone. Bucky is terrified of what he’ll see; he almost doesn’t want to move. Ever.

 

“Are you ready to see yourself Barnes?” She asks calmly

 

Bucky feels the worms in his stomach come back, and he almost starts to sweat, but Natalia sees and starts to fan him off with her hand. Bucky takes a deep breath and holds it for as long as he can before blowing out and nodding his head.

 

Natalia nods back and starts to turn the chair to face the mirror. He closes his eyes before the chair stops, and takes deep breaths. He doesn’t know where Natalia went but he can sense she’s not in the room anymore.

 

Every time he goes to open his eyes, he can’t bring himself to look in the mirror. It takes a good fifteen minutes before he takes a deep breath and stands up. He opens his eyes only enough to see the where the floor and the mirror meets. He knows he can’t leave this room without seeing for himself what Natalia did to him. So he opens one eye to look up at the mirror, but when he does he opens the other eye in shock.

 

It’s him. The dream Bucky. She even managed to lighten his skin tone to the golden glow the dream Bucky had. No more circles, no more cuts, his lips don’t look dry, and it’s him. Bucky doesn’t know what to do; he can’t move he just stares at this new face. There’s only one way to tell if it’s really the dream Bucky, so he shakes his head and smiles his biggest smile.

 

Bucky drops to the floor and covers his mouth with his flesh arm. The dream wasn’t a dream, it was real and now he’s positive of that. Bucky feels a warmth in his chest, but not a suffocating warmth, good warmth. Like a picture that never gets old, or Natalia’s fuzzy blanket. Bucky is happy, and he knows it, and he knows it’s been so long.

 

He just sits on the floor looking at himself for god knows how long, he just wants to bask in the memory of this face forever. It makes him feel whole again, like this is the only memory he needs to be James Barnes again.

 

Natalia comes in an hour later and asks if he’s ready. He hesitates to say yes, but he finally nods his head. There are no longer worms in his stomach, there is only hope and warmth. She hands him fresh clothes so he can get dressed since he’s still wearing a towel. He walks out of the mirror room and into Natalia’s bedroom, and they walk out of her apartment together.

 

He and Natalia walk into the elevator and she tells Jarvis to take them to the common room.

 

“You ready Barnes?” She asks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoped you liked this chapter! The third one is almost done!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I have the first two chapters done but I'm still working on the third! I would love some feedback so please comment down below and leave kudos! <3


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